Archive for the ‘women’ Category

Err on the side of “douchebag”

June 27, 2007

Note to all women: We are now embracing the term “douchebag” to refer to guys that are worthy of it. Apply liberally.

Unfortunately, not all guys are like my one-month-perfect-relationship boy. There are a lot of douchebags out there. A lot. Especially in Los Angeles. I’ve learned recently, through my own experiences and experiences of my girlfriends that more often than not that the guys down here are somewhat dumb, manipulative, sleazy, and/or waaaaaaay too into themselves. This doesn’t have anything to do with lessons from the book. These guys will incessantly chase you, and may actually be into you, but are completely lacking in tact or actual charm. Or an understanding that a ring on your lefthand ring finger means “no go”. We’ve learned that the lesson here is, if you’re unsure whether someone is actually a good guy, if you’re in the greater Los Angeles area…err on the side of “douchebag”.


The best relationship ever

June 25, 2007

You would think that I should be talking about an incredibly long and passionate partnership, but really the best relationship I’ve ever had was short and sweet. It started earlier this year and lasted a month. We had known each other in a professional capacity when I casually mentioned that my boyfriend had procured himself an “ex” prefix to his title, and new boy immediately asked me out. In the month that followed, we went to dinner, museums, out for coffee, had long, deep conversations, cuddled while watching movies on the couch, laid awake in bed until absurd hours because we couldn’t stop talking, and other things that people do when enjoying that first, blissful month of a relationship 😉

Being the complete anthesis of the guy that I had dated for the previous 5 years, he was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off the breakup. The company that he had founded was nearing the end of the money that he had raised to finance it, and it had gotten to the point where he’d even had his phone cut off because of the unpaid bills, so at the same time, both of us were going through a rebound of sorts.

The best part of it all, was the fact that both of us realized that it wasn’t serious, but this didn’t stop it from being incredibly caring and sweet. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced this. We both threw ourselves fully into it, not worrying how or when it was going to end, but that it eventually would. After the first few, amazing weeks, I got the job offer in California. He was incredibly supportive, took me to Chapters and grabbed a stack of travel books to help me decide where I was going to spend the month before I started the new job.

After travelling and keeping in contact with him when I had gotten to California, we both knew that being on different sides of the continent wouldn’t bode well for continuing to be together, so we decided to stay friends. It couldn’t have ended better. Sometimes things just align properly so that these kind of things work out perfectly.

And we’re still friends.

Breaking up is hard to do

June 20, 2007

It seems like there are more than a fair amount people NOT living “happily ever after” around me in the past little while. Maybe it’s the time of year and people are gearing up for their hot summer fling and have decided to ditch last December’s dates, maybe it’s all just coincidence. Regardless, there are a number of fantastic and highly available women on the market right now. Myself included. In case you hadn’t figured that out yet.

The book has been both a driving and consoling factor in breakups as of late (note the increase in status, now referred to as “the book” much the same way as the pill is referred to as “the pill”). I’d love to quote from it right now, but like any good book owner, I read it and passed it on to someone who needed it more than I did. One of the lessons I’ve learned from the book and from the previous week or so is that guys are huge pussies (there, I said it, sorry for the language mom). This has now left us ladies with a great deal of responsibility in determining whether their need to spend every waking moment with us is really just insecurity or the constant jokes about getting married is really him being an insensitive douchebag, rather than the undying devotion we’d like to think it is. Which sucks. I’ve always been one to dive right into something without looking much first, because being able to enjoy life without being overly cautious is one of the greatest things in the world.

So, part of relationships at this stage in life is that we all start eventually getting a little banged up and carrying baggage, whether we like it or not. I think all single girls should start carrying a copy of the book in their purse, so the next time that someone buys you a drink and starts promising you the world you can whack them over the head with it and run. Run far away.

He’s just not that into you

June 12, 2007

Over the weekend I went to see a movie and when I got to the theatre and bought my ticket about a half-hour before the movie started, I decided to kill some time by perusing the shelves of the bookstore right next door. When walking down the psychology aisle, in between the self-help books with pictures of bald men on the cover telling us all how to Manifest Your Destiny and Achieve Happiness and Success(!) a brightly colored book with a familiar title caught my eye.


Most of us have seen the Sex and the City episode where Berger tells Miranda that a guy she went out with is “just not that into you”. Big epiphany. It spawned an entire book.

Although a bit late for the boat on this one, I have to say this might actually be the best book I’ve ever read in my life. Every woman, regardless of her relationship status needs to read this. The basic premise: guys are wussies who are afraid of making you cry, so stop making excuses for their bad behavior because it’s their way of saying they’re JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Really, it’s biblical when you realize how freeing it is.

Having switched back and forth between reading a relationship article in Marie Claire and my new book that I now cuddle up to at night, I realized how much crap we’ve been spoon-fed about trying to work out significant problems in relationships, when we really should be recognizing these situations for what they are and saying FUCK THIS SHIT. Pardon my french. It had to be said.

He’s horrible about calling you when he says he’s going to? He’s just not that into you. He says he’s “just not the marrying kind” when it’s clearly important to you? He’s just not that into you. He only wants to see you when he’s drunk? He’s just not that into you. Getting it yet? It’s so obvious, but yet I can recall countless times sitting around with my girlfriends trying to decipher the strange behaviour of guys and how to make sense of it, when it really can be summed up with those 6 little words. How much easier our lives could have been.

Besides being a wonderful boost to your independence, it’s damn funny. It’s mostly set out in “Dear Greg” letters, here’s a little tasty treat for you:

Dear Greg,
I had a boyfriend 10 years ago. I bumped into him on the street recently after not having seen him for many years, and we started “dating” again, even though it is unclear if that’s exactly what’s going on. He won’t kiss me or make a pass at me. But, Greg, we’re going salsa dancing, we’re going bar hopping, we’re staying out late, talking and dancing and laughing and flirting. He keeps telling me how great I look, how great it is to see me. One night he even told me he loves me and hopes I’ll always be in his life. My friends all say he’s just afraid to get hurt again and I should stick this one out. He’s a great guy. Doesn’t he seem really into me, but he’s scared? Salsa dancing, Greg, till four in the morning. Salsa dancing. Please advise.

Hey Salsa,
I’m a dude, if I like you, I kiss you. And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear. I’m a guy. That’s how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts. Is he scared? Yes, he’s scared of hurting your feelings. That’s why he hasn’t clarified the relationship. When this dude tells you he loves you and that he hopes you never lose touch again, he may as well be signing your yearbook. He loves you as a friend. I say, move on! Go meet someone more worthy of your affections and hot salsa moves.


I wanna have your babies

June 6, 2007

I saw this cute video over the weekend and I nearly died laughing. Don’t pretend you’re never been there, I think we all do this for at least 5 minutes each time we meet someone new.

” Trust me it’d scare you
If you knew what was going on in my brain
Trust me it’d scare you
That I picked out the church, or the schools or the names …”


January 3, 2007

This is hilarious. And true.